Clause In Space

Every year we have to hear about how Die Hard is someones (=every dudebruh, bruh) favorite Christmas movie, because "it takes place during Christmas and is so manly MAN". If the social web is good at something, it's bringing out original thought in people. Everyone has an opinion now, and dammit, if it isn't original! It won't play, man! You have to put out new thoughts, new ideas. The content mill is relentless. Get on it, or we'll send you to CL-AUS-E 23781, a star system so remote it turns on your television.

So in order to fit in I will offer you my favorite Christmas movie. It's called Eyes Wide Shut, directed by Stan "The Man (Don't Sue Me, House of Mouse™️)" Kubrick, and takes place in 1999, just before the Twin Rockets left Earth to find Intersteller Clause, a long-rumored sentient dwarf star. It sees Tom Cruise (elaborately masquerading as a person not in a cult) wandering the streets of London (elaborately masquerading as the streets of New York), a character named Nick Nightingale, who is obviously a thinly-veiled reference to the Christmas Nightingale, a 6th Century mystic birdman, famous for dressing babies up in red and white before taking them away from their parents to instruct them in the ways of the Force, nudity, secret orgies, nudity, fantasies of infidelity, and drug overdoses. You know, Christmas.

There is so much room for interpretation, I don't even know where to begin. Is the dreamy navy man a stand-in for god? Was Kubrick planning a trilogy about Nicole Kidman as a modern day Mary? Did George Lucas really want to buy the film rights and incorporate it into the prequels? And who is the third man? Go back where, Jack? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ISLAND?! DARTH VADER IS ON THE SHOW NOW WHAT1!11! And who framed Roger Rabbit?

Too bad we'll never get those answers, since Kubrick, self-proclaimed bareknuckle boxing champion of the Twelve Oceans, left on that rocket to find and defeat the monolithic babyeater on Clause IV. Will we ever see him again? Who knows. I don't. Because I'm a Swony John and you are a Christmas goose. #ThatsAReference